Twilight Commercials: The Series
by pandorasnotebook
Summary: Popular commercials written TWILIGHT STYLE! What more can I say...R
1. Jacob's Orbits Gum

**Backed by popular demand I have given you a whole story about Twilightxcommercial parodies...be amazed. If you have not read any of my others but like this one be sure to check out Edward's MasterCard, Esme's Cingular Texting, and Bella's RAZR...they are complete and utter randomness.**

**Random Dedication- This is for the Orbits Lady...everyone is always dirtying up their mouths and she always has to go around and clean them with gum...that poor woman...**

* * *

**Jacob's Orbits Gum**

"Bella." We were standing on the beach. Bella looked as beautiful as ever, silhouetted against the horizon.

"I love you." I said with conviction. A slow smile spread across my face. "I think I always have loved you." I stared at her straight in the eye, not wanting her to misunderstand. "I'm telling you this now because I want you to choose me over him." Him refers to Edward Cullen aka Bella's current boyfriend and the filthy leech who broke my Bella's heart and stole her from me twice before.

"Jacob," Bella looked horrified. "I can't, Jake. I only love you like a brother. I love him."

"You can lean not to love him and to love me instead."

"I- I can't! We've already established that you have not imprinted on me. Can't you learn not to love me?"

"No." I said stubbornly, taking a sneaky step toward her. "It's not that easy. You're not someone I can just get over Bella. But don't worry. As long as you're heart still beats and there is still a chance I will fight him for you."

"My heart beats are already numbered, Jake."

"All the more reason to fight harder." I grabbed her chin with one hand and put the other on her back, pulling her toward me.

"No!" She gasped but it was too late.

I pressed my lips to hers. This was the first kiss of me life, the best kiss of my life. This must be what heaven feels like. It was perfect. It was the moment I had been waiting for and yet…

Bella's hands were trying to push my face back.

Anger flared in me. She was ruining it.

I kissed her more furiously, roughly.

Then, suddenly, she stopped. Her hands fell to her sides; everything relaxed.

I pulled back to examine her face.

Blank.

I kissed her again.

No reaction.

And again.

No responce.

A forth time. A fifth time.

I stopped, realizing I was not changing her mind.  
"Are you finished?" She asked, emotionless.

I sighed. "Yes."

"Good." She said, then-. SMACK!

"OW! OW! OW!" She screamed. "Damn it, Jake! You broke my hand!"

I wanted to tell her that she broke her own hand, but I was suddenly distracted by a woman, dressed all in white, who had suddenly appeared beside me.

She had curled blonde hair and a huge smile plastered across her face. She posed with a …pack of gum?  
"Who the hell are y-!?" I began but she was already speaking in an annoyingly high pitched voice.

"Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbits new Peppermint chews!" She handed Bella a piece of gum.

Bella accepted it with her working hand and popped it into her mouth. She chewed it briefly and then smiled hugely. Her teeth glittered brightly.

"Wait!" I said, looking at the woman. "Are you saying that I made Bella's mouth dirt-?"

"Fabulous!" She shouted, making me jump. She waved her hand as she said it and positioned herself into another pose.

I kind of wanted to break that hand too.

"What are you implyin-?"

"For a good clean feeling- No matter what!" She glanced at me coldly.

"I KNEW IT!" I screamed.

* * *

Stephenie Meyer sat in her living room, writing pad on one side, bowl of popcorn on the other. She stared at the TV in shock.  
"Why didn't I think of that!?" She yelled, grabbing her notepad and scribbling notes. "Jacob then imprints one the Orbits lady and they have three sons….one of which is named Sergio…THIS IS GOLD!"

* * *

**Aw, yes Stephenie. I am always watching out for you...giving you more good ideas...(watch out for The Orbits Lady- she'll be the main character in Breaking Dawn...WHO NEEDS BELLA! (jk))**

**Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight or Orbits gum. I know, I am such a fantastic writer that sometimes you're like, "Is this Stephenie?" But no. Do not be fooled by my greatness!**

**Ok now I'm going to be half serious. If you have any ideas for well known commercials please either PM me or review to one of my Twilight commercials stories (This one, Esme's Cingular Texting, Edward's MasterCard, or Bella's RAZR). Or if you have any characters that you want to see in a commercial. Review if you like it or if you don't or if you are amazed or if you are confused. (I get a lot of confused people.) I wll not be able to write for a while because of exams so be patient. THANK YOU! **


	2. Wii would like to play with Emmett

**Random Dedication- For the two Japanese Wii dudes...cause they're cooler than cool...**

**"Wii would like to play...with Emmett"**

Okay, so on Friday I, Emmett Cullen, was hanging out in the '(not-quite)-living room' ,as I like to call it, alone. I was really lonely because no one would come out of their rooms to play with me. Carlisle was working. Esme was Esmeing...(in other words-doing whatever pointless activity that happens to pop into her mind). Edward was probably listening to his music or talking to Bella. Rosalie was out getting a manicure and pedicure (Esme got her a gift card for Christmas) Alice was trying on her new clothes even though they would all definitely fit and Jasper was doing yoga (he always was a little queer).

So anyway, I was flipping mindlessly through our channels when suddenly I heard the crunch of gravel that signaled that a car was pulling up our driveway.

CARLISLE IS HOME! I thought ecstatically as I rushed to the window, but instead of seeing Carlisle's usual black Mercedes S55 AMG there was a small black and white bug. PUNCHBUGGY! I thought and was immediately disappointed that no one was around to punch.

The car doors opened and two Japanese men stepped out. They walked straight up onto the porch and knocked on our door.

I ran to the door and opened it before they had time to blink.

"I don't want any cookies." I told them and slammed the door in their faces. Stupid girl scouts...

After a few moments they knocked again.

I opened the door again. "I am catholic." I told them and closed the door again. Annoying Jehovah's Witness...

Another knock.

I rolled my eyes, opening the doors again. "Fine, I'm atheist, you caught me. Now will you leave me alone?"

They both smiled at me...creepy. Then they bowed and held up a small chubby white stick. "Wii would like to play." The one said with a heavy accent but I barely heard him.

"Oh! I wondered where I put the television remote! Thanks random Japanese guys!" I snatched up my remote and slammed the door.

Wait! This did not look a thing like my remote!

Knock knock.

I opened the door for what I hoped would be the last time.

The Japanese dudes bowed again. "Wii would like to play." This time techno sounding music erupted from all around me.

"What is this?" I asked. "What do you want to play?"

"Wii would like to play."

"Is that all you say?"

"Wii would like to play."

I considered them closely. They were definitely not vampires. Just ordinary humans...who wanted to play ... something.

They continued to smile.

"Okay, come on in.'

I mean, what could be the harm of letting two strangers into the house?

They walked swiftly through the doorway and, before I could say 'make yourselves at home', they walked into the (not-quite)-living room and sat down on the couch.

"Can I get you guys something to drink?" I thought about our limited supply of food and drink and wondered what we had. Bella was the only one who ever ate anything around here. "I think we have brown pop."

They looked at me blankly. Okay...

"Wii would like to play" One finally said. Yeah...I heard already.

Once again music came from absolutely nowhere. Maybe Edward had turned his radio up too high...but since when did Edward listen to that kind of music.

"Okay. What do you want to play? I have Monopoly ... Scrabble... Trouble... Halo 3..." I trailed off as they stared at me. Something told me they would not want to play Halo...

"Wii would like to play.''

They both held out white controllers identical to my 'remote' and a white box. A video game!

"Okay then! We can play that!''

As I bent to plug it in a voice behind me said "Idiot.''

I spun around and pointed an accusing finger at the one on the right. ''Aha! You speak!''

Again they gave me blank looks. ''Wii would like to play.''

''I heard you!'' I gasped and then gave up. ''Do you know what- nevermind.''

They still just stared.

I covered the uncomfortable silence by turning on the small box.

"Hey, anyone who cares!" I yelled. ''I'm down here playing a video game with two random Japanese guys.'' There was a dead silence.

Well, I guess no one cares.

Something popped up on the screen. **Wii Sports.** It read. Okay, I can roll with this. **Press A.** The screen commanded. I looked at the controller and pressed the white button. Then a list of sports popped up. This was cool.

''How do I click?'' I asked the Japanese guys.

One stood up and moved my arm up and down. The little hand on the screen moved also.

Carefully, I moved it up to the first game on the list and clicked. **Tennis**. Shoot, I hate tennis.

A little creature popped up on the screen. I was so focused on thinking about how cute it is that I totally missed the first ball.

I looked at the shorter of the two who had helped me before.

''What buttons do I push?'' I asked.

The man waved his arm like he was hitting an invisible ball.

I repeated the motion and the cute little creature mimicked me. I was so caught up in watching my little dude-creature swing that I also missed the next ball also.

''Oh.'' I said. 'So...I have to move?''

My new friends bowed.

''What's the point? I could just go outside & hit around a ball, instead of standing here playing with this...this...Wii.''

_Buzz_.

A fly hovered directly above my head. But this was not just any old fly! This fly was a demon fly whose solitary purpose in life was to make me miserable...and he had been succeeding at it for a month now. Gritting my teeth and focusing entirely on the buzzing little insect, I swung at it with my remote.

What I did not realize was that my timing was perfect. My little Wii creature's racket flew through the air simultaneously with my own hand, smacking the ball and earning my side a point. Completely forgetting about the fly, who was quickly retreating to its lair ( which I had been searching for for a good five days), I turned my attention to the creature that was leaping victoriously around the screen. ''Hey! This game is fun!''

The music came back stronger than ever.

''EMMETT!" Edward stormed into the room ''What is that horrible music!?''

''It was not me this time, Edward.' I said. ''It was these two strangers I let in.''

Edward stared at them for a moment, a stupid look on his usually not stupid looking face. "Emmett-kitchen-now!" He finally gasped.

''Okey dokey artichokey!'' I agreed happily, skipping into the kitchen behind him.

''Where the hell did you find these guys?'' Edward asked me in a low voice.

''On our doorstep!''

''Emmett, we are _the Cullens!_

You don't just find_ humans_ on our doorstep! They stay away!'' He hissed.

Edward can be such a drama queen!

''And I can't read their minds.'' Edward finally admitted.

Oh! I get it! The metaphorical clouds cleared as I realized why Edward had suddenly become Little Miss. Pissy Pants. When he could not read Bella's he had acted like this too. As I said, drama queen.

I smiled evilly. I could use this against him! ''You can't?''

''Well...'' He looked uncertain. ''When I try all I can hear is 'Wii would like to play' 'Wii would like to play'. A couple times I thought I heard the words 'idiot' and 'stupid' and 'oaf' but I can't be sure.''

''Oh yeah. That's normal for them!'' I assured him. ''But you have to play the awesome game that they brought with them!''

''Um...is it what is making that horrible music?''

''No. The music mysteriously comes from the walls!''

Edward was silent for a moment. ''Well I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I mean...we are vampires...how can it get any weirder than that!?''

''Exactly what I thought.''

Edward looked uneasy for a moment before walking back out into the living room. He picked up another controller (which had mysteriously appeared in our absence) and chose the bowling button. I think he read my mind on how to work it. ''Yes, I did, Emmett.'' Yup. That is how he knew.

Edward pushed the 'A' button to skip through all the directions.

He expertly positioned his little Wii creature and let go of the ball like a pro. **Spare!** Popped up on the screen.

Show off...

**Player 2.** OH! That's me!

Time for me to show Eddy-poo how it's done...

I pulled back my arm and swung it up violently.

My little Wii creature threw its own ball straight up in the air. It landed with a _thud_ and stood very still for a few moments before rolling straight to the left and into the gutter. **Gutterball! **The screen announced cheerfully.

Edward snickered. "Is that even possible!?"

"This game is rigged!" I said, angrily.

Edward sneezed but it sounded suspiciously like "AHHHSore loserCHOOOO!"

"Bless you!" I said. "Lets try another game."

The main menu thing came up.

"Boxing!" I screamed and Edward clicked on it.

A notice popped up with a slight _ping_.

**This game requires numchucks.**

"I'll go get mine from my room!" I said brightly.

Edward stared. "You have numchucks?" He asked weakly.

"Yup!" I confirmed. "I bought 'em online last week!"

"Why...?"

"Cause everyone should own at least one pair of numchucks!"

"Well, Emmett, as facinating as it is that you actually own numchucks, I think they mean fake numchucks."

The Japanese guys nodded.

"Cool! Life sized bobble heads!" Alice said, bouncing into the room.

"They aren't bobble heads! They are Japanese!" I corrected. Everybody knew bobble heads lived in Russia...

Edward stared at me for a few moments. "They brought us a Wii Gaming System. It's kind of easy. I'll beat it in a week." He told Alice.

"Well good because I'll bet this thing breaks before next year..." Alice said, hintingly.

"WHAT A RIP OFF!" Edward and I both yelled and threw both Japanese men and there Wii out the door.

I suddenly remembered why I hated door to door sales men.

* * *

Stephenie Meyer stared at her television set in utter disbelief.

"Well," She finally said. "That was..." She trailed off and tried very hard for the rest of the day not to think about that strangely cliché commercial.

* * *

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight or the company that manufactures Wiis. Although I do own a Wii and it's flippin awesome. And it will not break in a year so don't sue me for saying that because it was a lie...I'M SORRY I LIED WII COMPANY! ... **

**Sorry...I've been working on this chapter on and off for what feels like FOREVER! I mean what can be better than Emmetts POV...THATS RIGHT! NOTHING!**

**Ideas and reviews por favor! (that means please! -pan feels pride for knowing basic Espanol (That means Spanish! -smiles-)-)**


	3. The Cullens' Geico Interview

**Random Dedication- For the poor souls who happened to be present during my first time behind the wheel (last week)... That poor little girl on the tricycle will never be the same again...**

* * *

**The Cullens' Geico Interview**

The Cullens sat clustered around in folded chairs, looking a little confused.

Edward Cullen sat on the far left, reading the minds of everyone around him with a bemused expression.

Jasper Cullen sat beside him, whistling softly as he picked pieces of wet grass off his boots.

Emmett Cullen sat behind them. He tried to keep his mind clear as he plotted ways to annoy Edward.

Alice and Rosalie Cullen sat beside him, whispering softly to each other. The main topic of gossip today was Bella's new hair cut. Alice found it cute while Rosalie made fun of it mercilessly.

A teenage girl sat beside them, tapping her feet nervously against the metal legs of her chair. She quickly flipped her short brown hair out from behind her ear to shield her face. A randomly placed blue streak in her hair caught Jasper's attention (he had always been a fan of unrealistic colored hair).

He leaned forward to look around Edward at her. "Who is she?" He whispered.

Edward shook his head, "No idea..."

The girl shot them an amused glance through blue eyes.

Suddenly Emmett leaned forward and poked Edward's right shoulder.

Edward, thinking it was the strange girl, shot her a dirty look. "What?"

She looked over at him, surprised. "What...what?"

"Why did you poke me?" He asked impatiently.

"I didn't!" She said indignantly, blushing in a way that would have put Bella to shame.

"I already have a girlfriend."

The girl's eyebrows came together in confusion. "I don't doubt that..."

Before they could say anything else to each other a mysterious voice came from nowhere.

"Pan is a real Geico customer, not a celebrity. So, to help her tell her story, we have hired the Cullens, real celebrities."

"It was a rainy Tuesday morning and I was driving to school." The girl, Pan, began.

"It's always rainy in Forks, bitch." Rosalie muttered.

Pan stared at Rosalie for a few moments before shaking her head and continued. "I might have been going a little fast."

"I bet I could go faster." Edward said boldly.

"I bet you can't." Pan countered, then continued.

"I lost control and crashed into a wall. It was a pretty ugly accident."

"I bet it wasn't as ugly as these bites." Jasper said, pulling up his sleve to show her the bites from the newborn vampires.

"Nope...not quite that ugly..." Pan said scooting away a little.

"The Geico workers answered the phones even at that hour."

"They work 24/7...we would know." Rosalie added.

"They were kind and understood my problem."

"A lot kinder than a cave of irritated grizzley bears." Emmett said.

"They had someone out in only 5 minutes to tow my car. They also gave me a ride home."

"I drive Bella-" Edward said, then looked at Pan and clarified, "My girlfriend to school and home every day...and I don't get my own commercial-ish thing for it. I feel cheated."

"Didn't anyone ever tell you life isn't fair?" Pan said, sighing.

Edward stared at her. "I believe I have heard that some where before..."

"Geico paid for the damage and had me back on the road the next day."

"Maybe you should get a more reliable car..." Edward advised. "Like a Volvo..." He paused. "Silver is always nice..."

"And how do you propose I pay for such a vehicle?" Pan said, staring at him.

"Erm. I'll buy it..." He offered.

"Oh! Okay then!" Syd said sarcastically. "That solves that problem!"

"Wow! You're a lot easier than my girlfriend!" Edward said happily.

Pan stared at him in disgust.

"Oh!" Edward's eyes widdened. "I meant to buy stuff for! Not...anything else."

"You do know that I'm not going to actually let you buy me a car." She pointed out.

"Darn! What is it with teenage girls and gifts!" Edward said angrily.

"You can buy me stuff!" Alice said brightly, looking like she was just trying to be nice. Suddenly her eyes went glassy. "I predict that a random geico logo will appear in three...two...one..."

A large, floating Geico logo appeared in front of them.

"What's holding it up?" Pan asked.

Everyone shrugged.

Jasper reached out with one long finger and poked it. It jiggled a little but did not fall. "That's odd..."

Again Alice's eyes went dead. "Catch phrase in three...two...one..."

"Geico. Real savings. Real service."

* * *

Stephenie Meyer had been having a relatively good day when this commercial came on.

"When exactly did the Cullens become celebrities?" She asked no one in particular. "And who the hell is 'Pan'?"

* * *

**Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight. Seriously. Stephenie Meyer does. I also do not own Geico. I don't even think I use Geico as my insuance company.I'm not sure who owns it, actually. That little Australian gecko perhaps?**

**So I know it's not as good as the first two but I had to write it after I had a dream that Edward was yelling at me for not having Geico insurance...**

**Reviews are nice. So are flowers. But, I mean, if you don't want to give me flowers, just a review will do fine. :D**

**EDIT- Hey peeps. Sorry if there is any confusion but I changed my name from Syd (which I used to go by on here) to Pan (which I am pretty much consistantly known as now) Whichever is fine but I'm changing it. Oh and also, if you like Geico commercials (and be honest- who doesn't!) check out One Of Many Interests' story The Geico Gecko Meets The Twilight Characters. I bet you can't guess what it's about! It will change the way you look at lizards in general. I didn't know it existed before writing this so don't accuse me of copying! Thanks and Ciao! **


	4. Rosalie's Cadillac

**Random Dedication- One word- Coffee. No explaination needed.**

* * *

**Rosalie's ****Cadillac**

At midnight Emmett interupted my watching of Legally Blonde 2 with an 'urgent' question.

"Rose, can I go get ice cream?"

"Uh...I'm not your mother; I'm your wife. You can do whatever you want. You can eat all the icecream in the world. Just be prepared to cough it all back up later." I looked back at the TV, although my focus had been lost.

There was a tapping of fingernails on wood. I looked up to find Emmett was still there.

"Will you go with me?"

I sighed. "Okay."

"Yay!" He sang, skipping out the door.

I followed him with less enthusiasm, snatching up my purse on the way out the door.

He bounded across the front lawn.

"Where are we going to get ice cream at this hour?" I asked him, catching sight of my reflection in one of the black windows of the house. I pivoted slightly on the spot. Did these jeans make my butt look huge or what? It's just the glass, I told myself. The stupid, warped glass.

"Dairy Queen!" He answered brightly.

"Who, besides you, would want icecream at midnight?" I asked sourly.

"Dairy Queen is a magical place that caters to the cravings of pregnant women, vegitarian vampires and some Norweigen super models." He told me as he waited for me to catch up outside the garage. "All three of whom prefer to indulge in these cravings after midnight."

I had given up on Emmett making sense many, many years ago. Now I just smiled and nodded. Whatever you say Emmett...

I walked straight into the garage and unlocked my Convertable..

I looked up to find Emmett hovering beside his new car, a 2008 Cadillac CTS.

"Can we take Victoria?" He asked, stroaking the vehicle that he had decided should be named Victoria.

I sighed. "Sure." I started to walk towards the drivers side door but Emmett blocked me.

"Can I drive?"

"Sure." That was my new answer to everything.

He jumped in, looking estatic. I climbed into the passenger's side. Wow, this is fun, I thought sarcastically.

He turned the key and pulled out looking like he was about to explode with joy. Sometimes I just don't understand him.

I rolled my eyes, gazing out the window.

That's when the strange crap started popping up. Multi-colored balls of light were circling around our car, leaving trails of sparkling color to trail behind them.

"Do you see those?" I asked Emmett but he did not answer.

We drove straight into a long tunnel, darting around other cars...but since when was there a tunnel on the way to Dairy Queen?

Suddenly Emmett was talking to me. "With today's luxury cars, the question isn't about the available features like a 40 gig hard drive (whatever that means) or a sunroof. It isn't if the car has a pop up GPS navigation map screens or extra large cup holders for those huge iced teas that they sell at McDonalds. It doesn't even matter if they have mini television screens in the back that constantly play Spongebob re-runs for your kids or bullet and missle proof glass. No, the real question is- when you turn your car on..." Emmett said in a slightly high pitched voice, trying to flip his hair around. "Does it return the favor?"

I stared at him. "What?!"

He veered to the right, spinning across 4 lanes of traffic and into the Dairy Queen drive through lane.

"Hello, can I take your order?" A muffled voice asked through the speakers.

"Yes, I'd like a hamburger, 3 double cheeseburgers, a cookie dough blizzard, 3 sides of fries, a large Coke, not a Pepsi, a M&M blizzard, and one of those blizzards with all the brownie and chocolate stuff in it."

There was a silence.

"Is that all, Sir?" The voice asked sarcastically.

"Do you want anything?" Emmett asked me. I shook, my head.

"Oh!" Emmett seemed to remember something. "Do you have chopsticks here?"

"No. We have spoons and forks."

"Yes, but do you have sporks?"

"No, sir."

Emmett looked upset as he turned to me. "We have sporks and chopsticks at home, right?"

I nodded.

He looked considerably happier. "That's all then!"

We pulled up and Emmett handed the lady a few bills. She looked shocked to see just the two of us. "Hungry?"

"Nope." Emmett told her. "Just cravin' some DQ!"

The lady at the next window handed out bag after bag of food.

"It's a DQ-palooza!" Emmett yelled back to her as he drove away. We sped back onto the road. "When you eat your DQ..." Emmett said, "Does it return the favor?"

"That doesn't even make sense, Emmett." I told him.

"Doesn't it...?"

"What is that?"

Words were rising out of the fog in front of us._ The All New __2008 Cadillac CTS_. _Life Liberty and the Pursuit _

"Hey! The fog is talking about Victoria!"

* * *

Stephenie Meyer stared in horror at the TV screen. "Where did Emmett's jeep go?" She asked weakly.

* * *

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight or Cadillac. I don't own a car. I do own a snazzy bike, though ;)**

**Sorry it took me so long to update...blah blah blah. It's really not onehundred percent _my fault_ this time! I'm not mentioning any names though... -points a sneaky finder at the**** WONDERFUL PEOPLE ****of FanFic Admin.- -tries to appear innocent-**

**Thank you all for the fantastic ideas! So many! I'll try to get to them soon.**

_**-**_**points to review button- There it is! Click it! **


	5. Bella's AT&T Answering Machine

**Randon dedication- For sleep deprivation... It's how I get these chapters done. I need at least 8 hour to function properly. Do I get it? Heh. No. **

**ALSO a big huge Thanks to Italiangurlinamessedupworld who came up with this idea! Yay ideas!**

* * *

**Bella's AT&T Answering Machine**

"Beeeeeep. Hey! This is Bella Swan's phone! Bella does't have AT&T, therefore; she gets zero bars out here at First Beach in La Push."

I smiled sarcatically and made a motion behind me at the vast expance of rocky beach.

"So, go ahead god-like, wonderful, mysterious Edward Cullen! Keep calling about wanting to see me this weekend! Keep calling to tell me that you are coming home from your 'camping trip'" I made finger quote

around the two words, " early because you love me and can't stand to be away from me. Keep calling to inform me that you actually _want _to tell me your secret! No, I don't _need _to know any of this right now." My voice was thick with sarcasm.

"Little miss. Nancy Drew here-"

I motioned behind me to two people sitting on a washed up piece of wood.

The first was me, only a stressed, worried version. The other Bella's cheeks were red from embarrassment as she tried ameturely to flirt with the second person.

Jacob Black, a local native american teenager, was sitting beside her. He was accepting her flirting with a strange adoration. He was currently in the middle of telling the other Bella a native american legend about wolves and people called 'cold ones'.

I sighed, cutting off in the middle of my sentence to shake my head. "Little Miss. Nancy Drew here will just keep on searching for the truth by herself. It's not like she really needs your help, right? She's well on her way to figuring everything out the hard way. Then she'll be upset because you didn't tell her and that will put a whole new strain on this already stressful relationship. Sure, we could be out in a restaurant somewhere by now, chatting about your history and-" I coughed, "Species. But, no. Where's the fun in that, right? Here I am with little Jacob. A little flirting never hurt anyone, right?" I glanced back at the couple. "You would think. But just wait until in the future when this 'innocent little flirting' will turn into a big rift in our relationship. I'll cry every night because I won't be sure who I love. It will all be because of this outing!" I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

I stared back at the two ignorant fools. "Hello! Answer the goddam phone!" I screamed.

Neither of them flinched or made any additional sign that they had heard me.

I tried the breathing thing again, glancing back every few seconds to make sure nothing besides talking was going on.

Suddenly I saw a blond head coming our way. "Oh look!" I pointed to the approaching figure, displaying a false smile for no one's benefit. "Here comes Mike! Now it's a party!"

* * *

Stephenie Meyer gasped and pressed a button on her phone to speed dial her Editor's number. "What would have happened if Bella would have had cell phone service that day on the beach?" She asked as soon as he answered.

Her Editor, who she calls Mr. Ed, hesitated. "W-what?" It was two o'clock in the morning and Mr. Ed had been asleep. His voice was still groggy and Stephenie could hear his wife yelling at him in the background.

"La Push. Twilight. When Bella meets Jacob. If Bella had switched to AT&T what would have happened? Isn't that brilliant!?"

"Uh...huh..." Mr. Ed deliberated. "I'm sorry Mrs. Meyer, but I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Edward was trying to call her that day." She explained impatiently, as though he should have known this. "He wanted to tell her everything. The only thing stopping him-" She paused conspiritorily. "Was Bella's cell phone reception! But that's too..." She racked her brain for the right word. "Short." She decided. "Too simple. We'd have to bring Jacob Black into this story...with his imprint, the Orbits lady...and their son Sergio! It will be a great way to continue the story, right?"

Mr. Ed, who had been silent through this entire rant, spoke in a slow, condensending tone. "Steph, how much sleep have you been getting?"

Stephenie shrugged, even though he could not see her. "I dunno." She muttered the words guiltily, causing them to run together. "A couple hours 'ere an' there. I'm tryin' to come up with another idea. "

"How did you come up with the first one?"

"A dream..."

"Great. Let's start there! You get at least..." He checked his watch. "Twelve hour of sleep and call me in the morning if you come up with anything, okay?"

"Mhm. Happy Easter, Ed!"

"Seriously." He sighed. "Sleep."

Stephenie was humming a Radiohead song as he hung up.

* * *

**Disclaimer- Heh. I'm not SM. If I were I would be feeling really awkward right now. Heh. I also don't own AT&T... Although I do use it! Edward would be able to call me at the beach anytime -hint hint-**

**Erm, I couldn't make the first part any longer so I made the SM part extra long... A DIFFERENT KIND OF DISCLAIMER- Seriously, I don't know anything about the fabulous Mrs. Meyer. The SM parts are completely taken out of my warped imagination. In this one she's loopy- THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S LOOPY IN REAL LIFE! Also Mr. Ed is fictional. Although an editor named Ed would be perfect beyond belief! Erm and...uh... If by some miss-click of a faulty mouse, the real Stephenie Meyer ends up reading this...erm sorry. Seriously, no offence meant. Okay that's the only time I'm going to put this so just keep it in mind for all the chapters. -attempts to control your mind but since I'm not Felix it doesn't work...or does it?-**

**R&R because it's more fun than string cheese. Dude, it's cheese in string form. What's not fun about that?**


	6. Alice's HeadOn

**WARNING! SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ ALL THE BOOKS! WHERE DID THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON GO? Found it! Seriously, go and read all of them. I basically do a recap in this chapter so you are going to be very mad if I ruin it for you. Wait! If you didn't finish the series then why are you on here? Shouldn't you be off reading it somewhere? GO AWAY YOU POSER!**

**Alice's HeadOn**

I pinched the bridge of my nose, scrunching up my face and hoping that no one was watching. Ugh! Stop the pain! I curled my legs up to my chest on my seat on the steps.

Stupid werewolves. Stupid Bella's baby creature. Stupid half-breeds.

I breathed out slowly with a little growl.

This place was going down hill fast. From bad to worse...to worst...to disaster.

First Edward found Bella, which was good for him but was it good for the rest of us? Yes, in the sense that Eddy-poo is no longer dampening the good vibes of the Cullen household by being _completely _depressed about his existence. No, in the sense that...well, Bella is human!

The situation got worse when Bella found out about our -cough- situation and then our little St. Edward decided it would be 'immoral' for us to change her. So what does Eddy do? Run away! Then we had that traumatic situation where Bella 'died', and our little melodramatic lover boy, Edward, goes to commit suicide (he really just should have been committed), before we could figure out Bella was, in fact, NOT DEAD. Bella and I had to go to Italy and save Edward's skinny butt from our cheerful Italian friends (and no, I do not mean the mafia).

Edward and Bella promptly got back together. Happily ever after, right?

Ha. No.

In out absence, Bella made friends with our freak of nature neighbors at La Push, the werewolves. She and the one Cujo kind of had a 'thing' for each other.

But it all turned out okay after Bella and Edward settled on the 'Terms and Conditions' of their agreement which is basically a written contract stating the order of 'things'. Things meaning marriage, sex, vampire, college/car. They finally decided on marriage first and, better yet, THEY MADE ME THE MAID OF HONOR! So, Bella and Edward had a marvelous wedding (did I mention I was the maid of honor…) and went on a honeymoon on our island. Happily ever after, right?

Ha. No.

I never even saw the growth in her abdomen coming…and no, I do not mean a tumor. Now, making worse go to worst, Bella flat out refuses to abort her little parasite and her condition is rapidly deteriorating.

Making worst change to disaster, you should see what she's wearing. Clashing colors, much?

God, I'm grouchy.

I opened my eyes a bit and found what I was looking for. Jacob Black, Bella's little were-friend, was lingering in the hall beside the living room, obviously unsure of what to do.

I whistled. "Heeeere puppy puppy puppy!"

Jacob looked up automatically then realized what he had just done and scowled. His tanned cheeks darkened as he looked away.

"Seriously, Scooby! Come here!"

He hesitated then shuffled a little closer. "What?"

"Will you sit down?" I asked him. Even with him just a little bit closer I felt the pressure lessen.

He sat out of curiosity, long legs stretching down several steps. "Head-ache? I didn't think vamps got headaches."

I nodded. "Supernatural strange headaches, Cujo. The fetus thing is messing with my vision. I can't see a thing around Bella."

He frowned. "Is that normal?"

I looked at him incredulously. "You still use the word normal?"

He smiled a little, understanding.

Bella's voice rang clearly from the living room, "See Eddy! My little nudger likes the sound of your voice!"

Edward groaned.

"Delusional." Jacob explained softly.

"Oh." I said simply then continued, "Having you here is nice though...like a supernatural kind of aspirin."

"Well at least now I'm helping in some way." He muttered. "I feel completely usel-" He froze. "Who is that."

Suddenly a woman appeared in the hall and walked toward us, rubbing what looked to be a stick of deodorant on her forehead. How did she get in?

"Can I help you?"

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead." She told us.

"What?" Jacob and I both said at once.

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

"Is it medicine?" I asked.

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

We stared at her and she continued to apply the deodorant like stuff.

"If it's medicine it won't help." I told her. "Medications and all of those things don't work on me."

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

"I'm a vampire." I tried to scare her away.

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

"No-no-worky." I used baby talk and sign language this time in case she was simple.

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

"Dude, we get it!" Jacob shouted at her. "You apply it to the forehead! Big deal!"

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

Jacob and I both stood up menacingly. Well, Jacob looked menacing height-wise. I probably looked a little wimpy.

"This girl is a horrifying, hard-core vampire!" Jacob said pointing at me. "She's gonna eat you for a snack if you don't leave right now!"

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

"This boy here is a bad-ass werewolf! He's going to go full moon on your butt if you're not out of here in five seconds!"

"Go full moon on your butt..." Jacob considered that line under his breath. "Kind of weird sounding...but a good line."

"Head-on. Apply directly to the forehead." She sounded almost hesitant. Almost.

"I'm going to give you to the count of five you get out."

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead."

"One...Two...Three...Four..." I hesitated and glanced at Jacob. He looked unsure.

"Four and a half...Four and three quarters..."

"HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead." She was antagonizing me.

"That's it!" I ran the rest of the way to her.

"Head-" Was all she got out before she soured, head first, through the window.

"Hey! My headache is gone!" I informed Jacob.

He looked comparatively happier. "Yeah, But I think the HeadOn lady has one now." It was true, the lady was groaning as she sat up, rubbing her head. Jake picked up the tube of HeadOn, which had fallen to the ground when I had thrown the woman. He weighed it in his hands for a few moments before he tossed it through the already broken window.

It soared through the air gracefully before hitting the woman directly in the forehead with a hollow _thunk._  
"Erm." Jacob muttered. "I so did not mean to do that."

We were interrupted by Bella's talking in the living room. "I'm thirsty again. Edward, will you get me some…erm, red stuff, please?"

"Sure, Bella." Edward obliged automatically. It took only a moment before he strode into the hall. He rubbed his forehead, looking at the two of us curiously. "Ugh!" He groaned. "I have the _worst_ headache!"

* * *

Stephenie Meyer changed the channel halfway through the commercial, with a frown. She found it far too annoying. The repetitive words of the HeadOn lady gave her a headache.

* * *

**Disclaimer- I don't own any of these wonderful books and I certainly don't own HeadOn.**

**If you have no idea what this commercial is or any of the past commercials ...or any of the commercials from my 3 other commercial stories, then I have the sample videos posted on my web-site. Go to my profile then to the first link at the top...it's not hard! I'm sure you'll find it!**

**So I we made it to 100 reviews! Actually, we kind of blasted past 100 reviews and waved at it as we went past... But, I have the next chapter ready so when I post it depends on the amount of reviews I get for this chapter. So, review please! **

**Thank you!**


	7. Bella's SoyJoy

**Dedication- For all spontaneous people. 'Cause they're cooler than normal people... It's a proven fact... I think.**

**Bella's SoyJoy**

My first day at Forks High. It was, of course, as overcast as a normal Forks day when I got in my truck that morning. Because of the abysmal weather, I had to dress in my most horrid clothes, big waterproof boots, a stiff, crinkley black raincoat and jeans.

These negative things supported my prediction that this would not be a good day. I jumped into my truck and turned up the heat. Had I mentioned that it was freezing?

I pulled one of the bars Charlie had bought out of my pocket. _Soy Joy_... Well, a little soy was never known to hurt anyone, right?

I pulled out of the drive way. I pulled onto the highway before taking an experimental bite. Not bad...

Suddenly I saw three people on the side of the road. A two tall men with their hood up and a woman with flaming red hair. The tallest man had his thumb out. Hitch hikers!

I pulled over and rolled my window down. "Where you guys headed?"

The nearest man looked up at me with slightly glowing red eyes. "How far are you going?"

I shivered at his gaze but plowed on. "I'm going to the high school."

"Perfect." He said in a musical purr. "I'm sure we'll be able to find _something_ to eat there."

"Erm. I don't know about there but I hear there is a wonderful Chinese place down the street."

They all stared at me blankly then got in.

"I'm Bella." I told them.

"I am Laurent." The tall one told me. "These are my companions, James and Victoria."

"Where are you from?" I asked as I drove, taking another bite of the bar.

They hesitated. "Indiana." "Alaska." "Russia." Came three different answers at once.

"Wow. From all over then!"

"Erm...yeah." Laurent agreed, shooting the other two a repremanding glare.

We pulled up outside the school.

"Eh, thanks for...erm...the ride." Laurent said awkwardly as he got out, apperantly not used to having to thank people.

"No probs!"

He elbowed the other two. "Eh, Thanks alot." "Yeah, thanks." They muttered, not looking at me.

"Good luck!" I bounded off towards school. Maybe today wasn't hoing to be _too_ bad.

Outside were two random girls swinging a jump rope. It seemed kind of strange to me, jump roping in this weather or at this age, but maybe that was the 'in' thing for high schoolers around here.

I jumped in, jumping in time to the rope...for about two seconds.

"Ouch." I grunted. I had forgotten that I did not have the cordination skills needed for jumping.

"You okay?" A blond boy asked from above me. He had a cute round face and blue eyes.

"Yup!" I stood up quickly.

"I'm Mike."

"I'm Bella."

"Would you like me to walk you to walk you to class?"

"Sure!" Why not? I felt like I could do anything!

Including...

As we were walking I spotted a group of five students. They were all extremely good-looking but one stood out.

He was a tall boy with copper colored hair and eyes like liquid topaz. His beautiful eyes had dark bruises around them that stood out against his white skin.

"Who is that?" I asked Mike as we headed in their direction.

Mike stiffened. "That's Edward Cullen. He's an arse, though. You don't want to waste your time on him."

Part of my mind was giggling over the fact that Mike had just said 'arse'. The other part lingered on thoughts of Edward.

Edward glanced over at us with barely any interest, then did a double take, staring at us with confused, aggrivated eyes. His eyes met mine but, instead of looking away like I normally would have, I somehow found the courage to stare him down.

He looked away quickly.

"Bella?" Mike said from behind me, pointing to the left. "This is our class."

"I'll just be a minute." I told him, continuing to walk towards Edward Cullen.

We were only a couple of yards apart when he turned to me. "Hello." He said stiffly. "I'm Edward Cullen. You must be B-"

I had jumped towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my lips to his.

I had never actually kissed anyone before. I usually could barely even find the courage to talk to guys...now I was going around kissing them?

Edward Cullen did not seem to mind at all, though. He was cold and hard like marble but he smelled to sweet that I could not help drawing closer, knotting my fingers in his hair. His lips did not respond for a couple of seconds then, surprisingly, he kissed back.

I pulled away after a few moments, then turned, without looking at his beautiful face, to walk back to class.

_Whole soy increases spontaneity._

A small black haired girl near me stared. "Not even I saw that one coming..." She muttered.

_Soy Joy. Fortified with optimism. _

Stephenie Meyer smiled at the television, leaning back into her couch and picking an extra buttery piece of popcorn out of the bowl. "Finally, Bella's first day the way it was meant to be viewed!"

* * *

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight or SoyJoy. I wrote 'Stephenie Meyer' above, not 'I'. This means I AM NOT STEPHENIE MEYER!! **

**Thank you all for the wonderful reviews!**

* * *


	8. Jake's Dead Zone

**Special thanks to cgirl4e who reviewed in the idea of this one. Thanks!**

* * *

**Jake's "Dead Zone"**

It was strange. I met this girl, Bella Swan, and suddenly I couldn't think of much else. I wasn't keeping up on my grades and couldn't concentrate well in school... In fact, I couldn't concentrate well in anything.

I mean, I'd only seen her a couple times. The first was that time on the beach with the flickering light of the flame dancing on her white-as-chalk skin. She seemed so fragile and cute as she listened patiently (almost as though her life depended on it...) to my scary stories.

I felt the blush creep onto my cheeks. I should have never told her those stories. My family would have killed me if they heard. More importantly, Bella probably thought me a gulible child. But I couldn't seem to help telling her those stories at the time. I would have given her anything she wanted. Was she that pursuasive for everybody or am I just a helpless pushover?

There was definitely something about her that caught my attention...maybe it was the way she was exactly the opposite of me. Red skin on white...yet both somehow completely right together...

I pulled myself out of that train of thought.

I had only seen her one time after that. It was when my father and I had visited...when she was with Cullen... Stupid model perfect Cullen with the nice car...

Jealousy unfurled in me like a poisonous snake.

Maybe...maybe if I just saw her once more...maybe then I might know why I just can't seem to resist her. Why I can't seem to get the picture of her, leaning against the counter at her home and blushing as she talked to my shoes, out of my mind.

There is always a slight chance she could not like Cullen. Maybe she could like me...

I picked up my jacket, determined, and headed toward the front door of my home.

I could stop by, like I had been in town anyway to buy...corn! Corn! It was brilliant! Then I would suggest we go to dinner (it's not too early for dinner is it?) and then, maybe, a movie. Maybe that one with-

"Boy!"

I stopped dead in my tracks, then backed up and peaked into the kitchen.

My father was sitting in the center of the room, hands folded on the rustic breakfast table. The shadows were just right so that I could not clearly see most of his features. Eerie music suddenly started playing.

"'Sup dad?" I looked around nervously.

"Boy, you goin' down to the Swan's house?"

"What's up with the music?" I had just noticed that the radio was not plugged in.

"I'm askin' the questions 'ere. You shouldn't be goin' to the Swans'."

"Why?"

"It's a dead-zone. Too close to the Cullen place..." My father said gruffly.

What was my dad talking about? Why was I so scared? What was he trying to warn me of? And WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS MUSIC COMING FROM!?

"Calls go in but they never come-"

"Seriously," I interupted. "Where's the music coming from?" I prodded at the radio. "You put batteries in here or something?"

My father scowled. "Son, did you hear anything I just said?"

"Erm." I thought back but the music had taken my entire attention. So I made something up. "Something about us needing to get some corn. Don't worry, though, dad. I'm on it like..." Metaphor time! "Sticky on flypaper...like awesomeness on my Rabbit... Like gorgeousness on my face... Like handicapped on your legs... Like honey on bunches of oats...Like hard coating on the outside of M&Ms... Like stuck-upness on the Culle-"

He interupted my metaphor rant."I said-" He clarified, adopting a frightening voice. "You don't want to visit the Swans' house. Too close to the Cullen place. It's a dead zone. It's like maybe someone...or something is sucking the life from them. Calls go in... and they never come out..." He trailed off ominously.

"That's weird. I could have sworn I heard you say something about corn." I muttered. "But we don't need to worry about dead zones anymore, dad. We're covered. We just switched to Verizon last month, remember?"

I pushed open the grimey window so that my father could see the crowd of people outside. The geeky guy in the front smiled stupidly and gave me the thumbs up while yelling, "You're good!"

"See?"

My dad whistled. "Where do they all sleep?"

"Yeah...well, about that...I think I'm going to need a bigger room..."

Billy frowned. "Well we might be safe from dead zones but...THE CULLENS ARE VAMPIRES!" He snapped. "And...Bella is a leech lover!"

_Don't be afraid of dead zones..._

* * *

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight or Verizon. I do use Verizon though...no, wait, THAT'S A LIE! I use AT&T...but I would like to use Verizon. **

**I love writing Jake'sPOV because I get to be creeper-ish...that's all I have to say about that...**

**Review! Or else...-same frightening music starts- The Jacob in my head is searching for the radio again. Stupid Jacob...**


	9. Edward Went To Jareds

**Random Dedication- For those poor souls who are STILL eating leftover turkey. THANKSGIVING IS OVER! Eat steak!**

* * *

**Edward Went To Jared's **

I looked at the gorgeous ring with it's microscopic glistening diamonds and spider web like detail. The others around it didn't compare.

"That one is perfect." I told the girl behind the counter.

She took it out with caution and positioned it so that I could see both the ring and the price tag. _Still like it, handsome? _She thought.

"Perfect." I told her again, getting out my wallet.

_Pretty AND rich! I wonder...._ "What's the occasion?" _Please be his mother's birthday!_

I hid my frown at her stupidity. "I'm getting married." I told her bluntly.

_No! It was too perfect! But maybe there is still time. " _Aw! When?"

You have got to be joking? "Tomorrow." Stupid girl.

She pushed the bag with the ring in it across the counter. _Wow, so soon. He's too young to be getting married. He can't be older than nineteen. What's his hurry? We still have tonight though...._

I grabbed the bag before she could voice any of this. "Thanks." I shot at her before nearly running out of the store.

I should definitely steer clear of Jared's from now on.

I jumped into my Volvo and jammed the keys into the ignition. I pushed the button for my new Magellan GPS to turn on.

Now all I had to do was go get flowers for Bella and...

_Hello Edward. _Said a silky female voice.

I glanced around nervously before finally looking at the Magellan GPS.

"Uh....hello?"

_What's in the bag, Edward? _The Magellan GPS continued.

My GPS was talking to me...huh. Well, I should be surprised but I'm a vampire so....my life can't get MUCH weirder, can it? Plus, with all there technological advances, how was an early 20th century boy like me supposed to keep up?

I leaned toward the Magellan GPS awkwardly. "Well, uh, Miss. Magellan, I bought a ring."

_Please. Call me Maggie. _She purred.

"Erm, 'kay Maggie. Can I just get directions to the nearest flower shop?"

_That request has been denied. Who is the ring for, Eddy?_

"Uh, my fiancé? Bella. We're, uh, getting married....tomorrow."

_Big day. You went to Jared's!_

"Uh-huh."

_She's going to like that._

"I think that was the point." My voice sounded off hand.

_Get anything for me?_

You're a freaking GPS! "Nope. Sorry. Next time."

_Awwww....what a shame. _Maggie sighed. _May I....see the ring._

I clutched the bag to my chest. "No! Mine!"

_Come on....just a peak!_

"That's it! I could run to the flower shop faster than this!" Just as I reached for the handle all the doors locked. "Wha-what's happening?"

_Just show me the ring, Edward, and no one gets hurt. _

"Okay! Okay!" I said, frantically. "No need to get pushy!" I pulled out the ring and held it uncertainly in front of the screen.

_Pretttttty._

_"_Uh-huh. Can I go now?"

_No! Now hand over the ring!_

"No!"

_Do it now!_

BAM!

Something small and human shaped burst through the window of the Volvo. Alice.

Glass sprayed through the car, littering the seats.

Alice straightened up and opened the passenger door. "Now Bella!" She yelled.

Now it was Bella's turn to dive into the car. She caused less damage by actually using door. Bella yanked Maggie's chord out of the plug, ignoring her weak, _No! Please! Have mercy!_

Bella tossed the GPS out of the car and onto the hard pavement. Pulling a hammer out of nowhere and with no clemmancy in her eyes, she began beating it to pieces. "Die bitch! Nobody hits on my boyfriend of steals my rings!"

"Fiancé." I corrected.

She brandished the hammer. "You're next!" Suddenly she blinked, staring at the bag in awe. "You went to Jared's!"

* * *

**Disclaimer- I do not own Jared's, Twilight or the GPS company. Although I do own a GPS. It's pretty awesome....when it's not stalking me.**

**Sorry it took so long to update. My inspiration and motivation took a vacation to the Bahamas. But they're back now...and tan! (I only need to make sense in my own mind.)And I will be working on some of your ideas so don't pressure me! **

**REVIEW! I only need one more review to get me to 200! YAY! **

**And check out my new and amazingly popular oneshot comedy, Awkward Day. **

**Thanks!**


	10. Mike's Starbursts

**So, here's a special thanks to Carlysaurus who gave me the idea for this chapter. This might just be one of my favorite commercials of all time and I completely forgot about it until she brought it up. **

**Don't deny it! Two or three years ago you know you were doing the berries and cream dance! You along with the rest of the world. It's the dance craze of this century, people! Keep up!**

* * *

**Mike's Starbursts**

I sidled along the sidewalk outside the school, waiting for class to begin. It was such an awesome day. So warm and...stuff. I'd actually worn shorts.

I was not surprised to find Bella Swan, the new babe at Forks High, sitting on one of the benches outside the gym.

I leaped out of sight around a corner. My mind quickly went through different ways to greet her. '_Hey hot stuff!' _No, she wouldn't go for that. '_Hey sweet thang! What's shakin'?" _That one might work.

I checked my reflection in the shiny windows of the school and ran my fingers through my blond hair, trying to perfect the spikes the way Cullen did. Stupid arrogant pastey Cullen who is so interested in Bella. I tilted my head to the side, trying to see it from all angles. It would do.

I practiced an easy smile. Cool. Confident. Popular. Hot, I listed methodically.

I did a quick breath test. My breath smelled a little like....poptarts? Funny....I hadn't eaten poptarts this morning, had I?

I dug in my pockets for a pack of gum but came up empty. I was sure I had a pack somewhere! Mints perhaps? A sweet smelling drink? Anything!

I unzipped a pocket of my bookbag and a pack of Starbursts fell out. It would have to do.

I popped a few in my mouth. Tasted like....berries and....was that....cream?

Anyway, with my mouth tasting and smelling awesome, I tried to step out of the bushes I had been standing behind. A few people gave me curious looks but I was too into my zone to care.

Cool. Confident. Popular. Hot.

"Hey, Bella." Ew. Bad greeting. I would have to work to make up for it.

She looked up, biting her lip nervously before saying. "Oh. Hey, Mike." Apperantly she Could not think of an appropriately witty greeting either. '_Hey hot stuff' _would have worked.

"What's goin' on?" Nice! Way to keep the conversation going, Mike!

"Uh...nothing..." She muttered. "Just...uh, reading." She raised her book a little higher in the air in example.

I took this chance to slide onto the bench beside her. I'm so smooth!

Cool. Confident. Popular. Hot.

"What are you reading?" I asked, leaning in. That's right, Bella! Smell the fruity-ness of my breath! Smells delicious, right? Want to taste?

Edward Cullen, who had been walking a little bit away from us with his sister, Alice, suddenly laughed for no reason at all. Alice elbowed him and he put one hand over his mouth to stop the sound.

"Wuthering Heights...again." Bella answered a little late, looking distracted by Edward's noise. "I've already read it so many times but it's just so..." She trailed off, looking at my hand. "What are those?"

I looked at my hand. Huh, I had forgotten to put my Starbursts away. "Starbursts. Want some." I bet the taste was still on my lips. She should taste it there.

She looked uncertain, then nodded. "Sure." She held out her hand.

I gave her two and she popped them both in her mouth.

I bet _her_ mouth would taste delicious now. I leaned in to test my theory but she suddenly spoke. "These taste different. What flavor are they?"

I quickly straightened up.

Cool. Confident. Popular. Hot.

Edward Cullen coughed. He jogged away his 'coughing' sounding less like actual coughs the further he got away until finally, when he reached his car all I could hear was a faint "Hahahaha!".

I checked the package. "A new flavor called....berries and cream."

"Yummy." She told me.

I leaned in again but a voice distacted me, "Whatcha got there?"

Now I was angry. I turned to look at my interuptor and found that I was already at eyelevel with a tiny man wearing what appeared to be a lepracon's outfit.

"Uh, Starbursts." I told him, warily. New kid? Maybe. Bad fashion? Definitely!

"What kind?" He asked, a little too eagerly.

"Berries-" I began to tell him but he interupted.

"Berries and what else?"

I stared at him incredulously. This man was psychotic! "Cream. Berries and cr-"

He sreamed.

Bella and I both stood up in alarm but after a few moments it became apperant that he was screaming from joy.

He clapped his hands. "Berries!" He clapped again. "And cream!" Clap. "Berries!" Clap. "And cream!" Clap. "I'm a little lad who loves berries and cream!" Constant clapping.

I was so confused but I would have to handle this in a way to impress Bella. Impress the ladies- that came first. My comfort came later.

Cool. Confident. Popular. Hot.

"Hey," I tried to get his attention but his clapping was speeding up and instead of saying each word individually, he was singing, "Berries and cream! Berries and cream! I'm a little lad who loves berries and cream!" He started jumping up and down like he was doing a jig. "Berries and cream! Berries and cream! I'm a little lad who loves berries and cream!"

Bella was giggling.

I was getting hotter and not 'Cool. Confident. Popular. Hot.' kind of hot either. "Listen, if I give you one will you go away and leave me alone." It was worth a try.

He froze mid-jump. "Give...me....one?" He sounded almost confused but was smiling eagerly.

"Uh, sure. What kind do you want?" I asked uncertainly.

"...kind?"

"Kind, yeah. You know, like, flavors." I spoke to him like he was a kindergartener. "Berries or cream?"

"Berries?" He clapped. "Or cream?" He clapped again.

I groaned. Not again!

"Berries...or cream!?! Berries or cream!?! I'm a little lad who can't choose berries or cream!"

He took a breath to continue.

"No! Listen! Take one of each!" I dropped two differently wrapped ones in his palm. Wow, I 'm glad that's over.

"One....of....each!?!"

Damn, I spoke too soon.

He looked at them like he was a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. No, wait.....how would a blind man see at all? An ex-blind man, perhaps?

Anyway, he raised them to his eyelevel, staring at them like he was about to get down on his knees and pray to them. "Both....berries AND cream?!?"

Oh damn.

Cool. Confident. Popular. Hot.

"Berries and cream! Berries and cream! I'm a little lad who loves berries and cream!" He was doing the jig again too. Would the nighmare never end!?!

Oh, but it only got worse. His and Bella's arms were suddenly linked and they were both singing together. "Berries and cream! Berries and cream! We are little lads who love berries and cream!"

I clasped my fingers together behind my back to keep from punching something.

"Do you know what!" I said, hoping it was loud enough for both of them to hear over their chanting. I set the candy down on the bench. "I'm leaving the candy here and going to class!"

"Later Mike!" Bella said from between verses of, "Berries and cream! Berries and cream! We are little lads who love berries and cream!"

I twitched. That had not gone well.

**--LATER--**

The little Starbursts man looked both ways suspiciously then slid between two cars.

Edward Cullen's dark form came from seemingly nowhere, a small smile playing on his lips. "Nice job. Mike's mind was in such an uproar; it was hilarious. Not to mention it kept him away from....certain people."

The little man smiled also, remmembering the blonde boy's aggravation fondly. "My payment?"

"Yes, yes. Your 500 dollars worth of Starbursts is being sent to your home As a bonus thank you for your help in protecting my Bella from Mike, a shipment of the same amount is being added in berry and cream flavored ones."

The man was quiet for a few moments then, with an evil grin he sneered, "Berries...and.....cream?"

* * *

**Disclaimer- ****I don't own Twilight, Starbursts, or that little dancing man. But that little man owns my soul. Seriously.**

**I could not resist doing one in MikesPOV. I'm so used to writing in the 'true love' state of mind that stalker was kind of fun. Yet another chance for me to write in the creeper voice. I couldn't pass it up!**

**I'm working on your ideas now! Keep them coming. I have a list. -holds up a looooooong sheet of paper- And I'm...um, checking it twice? (I'm still in the christmas spirit)**

**Review-o, por favor. Yeah, that's right! Spanish-ing it up! Merry Christmas!**


	11. Edward's Netflix Movie Rentals

**Edward's Netflix Movie Rentals**

I couldn't believe I was back in Forks. Not only that but my beautiful Bella was safe (not dead) and had forgiven me for leaving. Sure, she had just demanded that Carlisle change her into a monster in a few months and turned down my marriage proposal but aside from these...um, minor inconveniences everything was perfect.

Bella was collecting her things to take a shower,ignoring the fact that the clock on her bedside table read 11:47 PM.

"If you stay," Bella sighed, "I don't need heaven."

Yes, we had been talking about her immenant eternal damnation. It was a bit of a bummer subject but I kind of just liked to hear her talk. After existing so long without her I was loviing everything about just being around her. Hearing her voice, seeing her blush, her eyes, it was all overwhelming.

Even her scent failed to be an issue anymore. It was the fear of losing her again that made it so easy to resist. it was the fear of feeling that pain again. The pain that had driven me to seek out the Volteri barely two days before.

I needed to touch her. To feel the warmth and reasure her that I would always be there with her.

I took her face in my hands. "Forever." I vowed and her cheeks turned pink with pleasure under my fingers.

"That's all I'm asking for." She kissed me forgetting all about her quest to shower.

When we broke apart I hugged her to me. "I won't ever leave you again, Bella. Not for anything. I am-"

Suddenly a deep announcer-like voice spoke from the ceiling. "Edward Cullen was hugging his girlfriend when he remembered that he had forgotten to return his movie rentals."

I jumped in front of Bella automatically, wanting to protect her from the man hiding in the ceiling. Then it dawned on me what he had just said. I had forgotten to return The Notebook! It had to be back today or my pristine record would be tarnished!

I took a cursory glance at the digital clock. 11:50. I could still make it!

"Edward...." Bella said warningly, seeing where I was looking. "Don't leave me."

I glanced from her to the window, and finally to the ceiling. I still hadn't figured out who was up there.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"Uh," Eloquent as ever. I tried to think of a better was to say this but, because each second cost me, came up dry. "Leaving?"

"No! Please! You can't leave me!" She gasped.

"I'll be back." I inched toward the window.

"When?" she pressed.

"Uh...later?"

"Later when?"

"Sometime." I answered vaguely, shrugging. "Sometime ....uh, later?"

I had reached the window and, seeing that she was about to break down completely, uttered a hasty goodbye in one breath. "Okay,Ihavetoleavenow'causeIhavetoreturnTheNotebook,whichisareallygoodmoviebutI'llbebacklaterandmaybeI'llbringyoubackacupcakeorsomething.M'kay?Bye!"

I jumped out the window before she had a chance to argue and was in my car by the time she reached the window.

She leaned out the window dramatically and screamed, "DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN, EDWARD!!!"

I heard Charlie 's mind just about die when he heard this.

I leaned out my own window as I drove past., "I'll be back later! Take a shower! You smell like Italy!"

My phone buzzed in my pocket as I sped down the street.

"Yellow!" I answered then winced. How gay did I sound?

"Hello dear brother." Came Alice's determinitely sweet voice. "How is it going?"

"Uh...good." I lied unconvincingly.

"Really? That's funny because I just saw the strangest thing. Do you want to know what I saw, Eddy?"

"Uh..."

"I JUST SAW YOU LEAVE BELLA AGAIN!!!!" Her voice slid smoothly up several octaves. I had to hold the phone a little away from my ear. "How could you do this, Edward!?! Bella is the best thing that ever happened to you and you are the best thing that has ever happened to her! ...well besides me but that's like a dead give away. I mean, did you happen to notice what she wore before we became friends? Like, it looked like a 100 year old nun gave her those clothes....and then puked on them! Yeah, that girl needed some serious help. Seriously-"

I found that if I held the phone far enough away, all I could hear of her tangent was _squeeky squeeky squeeky. _

After a minute I got sick of this. "Alice-I-sorry. Will-but. Going-tunnel-."

"Edward, these phones work hundreds of miles underground. You could probably get five bars in hell. I know very well that you aren't going through a tun-"

I hung up. Ha!

I spun around a turn at 100mph, feeling like I was in an action movie. I jumped out of the car outside the video place with two minutes to go and raced in.

The woman at the counter looked up lazily from her_ Entertainment Weekly _magazine popped her gum obnoxiously in my face. She took the video case like she was doing me some huge favor.

Yes! I had made it! I heard Queen singing victoriously in my mind. _We are the champions, my friends! And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end! We are the champions__! __We are the champions!_

"Where's the disc?"

N_o time for losers 'cause we are the champions of the- _wait. What?

"Excuse me?"

"The disc." The lady repeated it like it caused her great pain, snapping her gum against the insides of her teeth. "The DVD." She held up the empty box.

I had left The Notebook in Italy.

* * *

Stephenie Meyer had missed the last few commercials due to rigorous therapy sessions but had decided to turn on the TV to watch the newest episode of True Blood. She frowned. "Edward enjoyed the Notebook?"

* * *

**Disclaimer- Edward Cullen, do I own Twilight? EC- "No." Ha! If you don't trust me, trust Edward Cullen! He's infallible!**

**Check out my new Oneshot '**_**Based On True Events'**_**'! It's about the Cullens from the book going to see the Twilight movie and basically not shutting up the entire time.**

**Review because you love me! Don't deny it!**


	12. Cullens' Size

**Anyone watch the Superbowl? I was on cloud nine! Million dollar commercials! HEAVEN! (the game was nice too, I suppose...) YAY STEELERS!**

* * *

**Cullens' Size**

"Size." Carlisle said with a ringing finality. "Does size _really _matter?"

"Oh! Size matters!" Jasper confirmed, nodding knowingly.

"Size?" Emmett looked up from his book. "Hell yeah, it matters!"

"Oh, yes." Rosalie flipped her hair, winking at Emmett.

"It's not _that_ big of a deal, is it?" Edward asked a little nervously.

The other Cullens, who had been lounging around the living room, looked at him in alarm.

"It's a _huge_ deal!" Emmett exclaimed, returning Rosalie's wink. "Nothing could matter _more _in our relationship."

Edward scowled. "Not every relationship is as superficial as yours and Rosalie's."

"Oh, it matters to me 'n Jasper, too!" Alice chimed in. "Well, maybe it's just me...kind of a girl thing..."

"No, me too." Jasper corrected her.

"Anyway," Alice continued, "You should ask Bella."

Bella was curled up in an armchair across the room staring at them all with wide shocked eyes.

Edward sighed in resignation. "Fine. Bella, darling, does size really matter to you?"

Bella turned crimpson. "Uh-I-Well, um, I mean-" She stuttered.

Emmett interupted before she could come up with a well-formed answer. "I get the size I want here-" He pointed at the buldging muscles in his arms. "Because I got the size I wanted there." He pointed at the Cullens' new Bowflex home gym in the corner.

Bella slumped back into her chair in relief. "Oh! You were talking about the new Bowflex!" She exclaimed as everything began to make sense in her mind.

"Well, of course!" Carlisle said. "What did you think we were talking about?"

This was just another of those times Bella thanked the heavens that Edward couldn't read her mind.

* * *

**Disclaimer- Own Twilight? Me? Ha! You're funny!**

**Sorry about not updating in FOREVER! The level of stress in my life has reached code red so I have not been able to (and will not be able to) update anywhere near as often. I truely am sorry. **

**I will try to get another chapter up asap. Until then!**


	13. Bella's Geico Stalker

**IIIIITTTTTTSSSSS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I'm alive. I am so very sorry for not updating in....like, a year. It's been crazy. But this commercial is too amazing to pass up. I know I already did one for Geico so don't kill me ;) Also, it's kinda short but I just felt the urgent need to post something so I whipped this up at like 7 this morning. Heehee Enjoy. **

* * *

Bella's Geico Stalker.

It was Bella's first day at her new high school and she was nervous about making new friends. She was never exactly good with her "people skills" and found that she didn't have the same interests as many of her classmates. She couldn't relate easily to what they worried about and all the girl dramas were childish in her mind.

It was surprising when she found herself being dragged into the school cafeteria by one of the school's biggest drama queens, Jessica.

"And oh-em-geeeeeeeee, you just wait-just wait- 'til you see Mr. Lonar, the English teacher. You won't have him teach 'ya 'cause he teaches sophies but he is hunk-a-licious. Also, the freshie math teacher is GORGE! As for the guy students, I've dated most of 'em so just tell me which you want and I'll give 'ya some advise." At this point Jessica winked at Bella. Bella nearly laughed out loud

They came to a lunch table with about five other girls and sat down in the only two remaining open seats.

"So I bet everyone in Phoenix misses you. Must have had lots of disappointed admirers." Jessica said.

This time Bella actually did laugh out loud. "Not at all. I've never even had a boyfriend."

Everyone at the table stopped what they were doing and stared at her.

"Seriously?" Jessica asked incredulously. "But, like, everyone here likes you."

Bella was even more surprised by this then the rest of them. "They do?"

Jessica sighed and spoke in a condescending tone. "Bella, didn't you notice the way everyone has been looking at you? Mike was trying to talk to you after class. By the way, don't even think about having anything to do with him. He's mine. I mean, he probably likes me soooo much. He's only paying attention to you because your new. But Tyler couldn't keep his eyes off of you."

At this, a blonde girl at the table narrowed her eyes at Bella but said nothing.

Jessica continued, not noticing the growing hostility of the surrounding girls. "And Erik was also talking to you. And that one guy, Ben. And also-"

"Maybe they were just being friendly." Bella argued but blushed.

"No guy is that friendly because he wants to be your friend, Bella." Jessica argued, rolling her heavily made-up eyes. "Just look at the table to your right."

Bella glanced over. "Oh God, they're all looking at me!!!" she gasped, her face turning scarlet.

"Haha, yeah, that's what Jess was trying to tell you." A shy girl, Angela, giggled. "Mike's whole table is looking over here too."

"He's probably looking at me." Jessica interjected, fixing her hair.

Angela rolled her eyes. "Even the Cullen table is staring at you," She continued. "And they don't notice anybody."

But Bella didn't notice the Cullens. She had just noticed a pair of eyes staring at her from across the room. She motioned in his direction with a nod. "Who is that?"

Jessica turned slightly to see. "Oh, him? That's the money you could be saving on car insurance."

It was a stack of money with googley eyes.

Bella rested her chin on her palm. "He's kinda cute…."

Angela shrugged. "I guess if you like the mysterious, rich types…."

Suddenly music came from nowhere. "I always feeeeeeel like…..somebodddy's watchin' me!"

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**Disclaimer- If I owned Twilight I wouldn't have to write Fanfiction, would I?**

**Tah-dah! New chapter. Next chapter is set to premier....i have no idea when. BOTE (my other story) is set to have a new chapter (so much for it being a oneshot) for new moon. Working on that right now... Um, for updates on what stories im working on and whether or not i'm alive, see my profile page. I have about a billion excuses for not writing. Haha**

**Review if you love me :) Thanks.**


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